It’s the Golden Globes which I love! And I hate. I love that Amy and Tina are hosting. Yes, I’m on a first name basis with them. They just don’t know it yet. Which leads to me to why I hate award season. Those of you who have
put up with known me for a while will recognize this struggle. I wrote about my Missing Piece last year. I keep wishing that this year will be the year wherein, it all makes sense. This will be the year that I will know my purpose and I will no longer feel doubt. This will be the year wherein I will have no jealousy and will be fully at peace. This year is not that year. I love my life in so many ways. I have an amazing husband who loves me with passion. I adore my children and know them to be the greatest gifts anyone can receive.
Yet, I still miss acting. I still mourn a dream I nurtured and cherished since I was very young. I still yearn for more.
I feel guilty saying it, I am mightily blessed. There is no doubt about this fact. I know it and I am filled with gratitude. So why can’t that immense gratitude fill up the yearning? Why can I not find a new dream that encompasses and embraces me the way that acting did? Why can I not find a true and lasting peace?
This is my ultimate journey and struggle. This is why I began writing a blog in the first place. At times, I feel that I have moved ahead but awards season reminds me that there is still so much I need to do, so much I have to learn, and so much growth yet needed.
I’m sorry that you feel such an emptiness about that!
Thanks! Most days I rise above it but this time of year I have to face it squarely. It’s clearly my lesson to learn.
Traci
Hugs, Traci. I know you are immensely talented. Your path will make itself known to you, I know it.
Thank you, Leigh Ann. What beautiful words, I so appreciate them.
XOXOX
Traci
Hugs my friend – I hope you someday find the peace you need.
Thank you, my friend. You should know that you are a constant source of inspiration to me. You teach me that new dreams and paths are possible and I am so blessed to know you. I am grateful to call you friend.
XOXOX
Traci
Believe me, I know how you feel. Since I dabble in so many creative avenues, I don’t have any defining moment every year like you do when these award shows come on to remind me that I’m “not where I want to be” creatively. My thing is, I do SO many different things that I haven’t really had the chance to get good at any one. I love to write, but when I try to sit down and write novels, I lose my spark about 1/4 way through. I love photography, but SOOOOO many other people are doing it as a business and I think I enjoy doing it in my terms, for myself more than I do cranking out shots people want (or think they want). I don’t know that I would be good at bending my art to make other people happy! I adore my crafts, but the business end of selling that stuff is so draining (trust me, I’ve done it!). It doesn’t mean I want to give up any of them but I have a hard time picturing a time where I could make that my livelihood, which is really what I would LOVE to do, but at the same time, don’t see happening.
I hear you, my friend. We shall be wandering souls together. You are wonderfully creative which I have seen expressed and yet you share that lingering desire as I do.
((HUGS))
Traci
One day, you will discover the path that will fulfill this hole in your life. It may not be what you thought it was, or what you expected, but keep your eyes open. Good things happen to good people.
Thank you, dear. My heart continues to believe that there is something. I do hope that you are right. I will take your advice and keep my eyes open. Miracles do happen everyday.
Love to you!
Traci
I wish I could give you an award. We sacrifice so much for our families and while they are young we get no recognition. I do hope you find a peaceful place to rest in.. Yes, pun intended, peace in motherhood??
My one hope is that I remember calling my mother when my oldest was a few weeks old, crying and pologizing for being a rotten kid and thanking her for EVERYTHING she gave up for me. So I hope
Thank you, Kay! I know you are right. As moms, we have a delayed gratification of seeing the result of all our hard work — a well-adjusted, happy, productive adult. That will be the greatest award I can ever claim and I pray for it daily.
Most days I can feel the embrace of my blessings, some days just get me. I need to open my heart and let God show me the purpose and dream for which I am intended.
Thank you for your kind words.
Traci
I wasn’t an actress, but I was in the military, part of a fun team, and felt like I was leaving a print on people. It was a very hard adjustment for me to become a SAHM. There were years when I really did kick against it because I really felt unfulfilled as a ‘mom’.
My hubby encouraged me. He told me to consider all of history…the person most memorable and influential in every life was that of the mother. That leaves a life long fingerprint. A child remembers their mother. So you are memorable and you will leave a lasting, loving finger print on your children.
Your husband is a wise man. And in the time I have gotten to know you via the internet, I am quite sure you have left a very long and loving fingerprint on your children.
Thanks for your kind words.
I understand.
I know you do and you are one of the people that provide me inspiration regularly. Thank you for that and all the beauty you bring into the world and my life!
XOXOX
Traci
Never too late to fullfill that hole though as Kristin says it may well not be in the way you anticipated. In the meanwhile I’d like to thank you for your posting and filling some of the emptiness in my life.
Oh, my dear friend. That may be the best comment EVER. I adore you! One day, I shall make my way across the pond and hug you in person.
XOXOX
Traci
I know exactly how you feel. I was never a successful actor, as I put forth no effort in anything, but it still something I think I could do.
I watched a few minutes of the Golden Globes on Sunday, and they showed my friend, who is a successful actor, in the audience. He looked so dapper and happy in his tuxedo, almost like a different person. I thought, “Hey, I remember when we used to get drunk in my crappy apartment on Sunset and Western. Now look at you!” It was a bittersweet feeling.
Then last night I talked to a friend who has a manager in LA, and is going out there for pilot season next month. I wish her luck!
Thank you, Letty. It always helps to know that others understand my struggles. And indeed you do. I see faces that sat next to me at acting school in their sweats who are now wearing Zac Posen and Harry WInston. Most days I am happy in my life but this time of year reminds me of what didn’t happen for me.
I wish your friend luck, too! I always want everyone to find their dream, I just want to find my new path, too.
Glad to know you.
XOXOX
Traci
That’s funny! I had a similar experience watching the Golden Globes, seeing an old friend from my college summer stock days in Georgia, who is now a successful actress and married to the Best Director.
Your day will come, Traci! The kids aren’t little forever. I was a good ten years into motherhood before anything started being about me again. But it does happen!
Thanks, Heidi! You are an inspiration to me so your words mean a lot!
XOXOX
Traci
Traci, I understand that deep yearning. Keep traveling that path of gratitude and love, and you will find that something that will satisfy your dreams. It may not look anything like you expected it to look like but you will know it.
I hope you don’t mind me sharing an idea but I heard the idea in a sermon about a woman who never got her dream to have a child. The women’s group leader asked her if she realized if her dream was never going to come true. It wasn’t because the woman was in her late 50′s. The women in this bible study group and the woman in mourning decided to have a gathering to honor the loss of her dream of a child, sort of like a funeral. The woman shared the names of her lost children and shared what she had hoped so much to do with her children that were never to be born. During this gathering, the women lifted her up and just let her openly grieve that sorrow. And honored that this wasn’t meant to be. Her dream was real and God was crying too because he cries with us too.
I know the dream above is different than your dream, but your story made me think of that sermon.
What I mean is that they God didn’t plan for her not to have children. The woman not being able to have her own children was not part of God’s plan.
Thank you, Rebekah, for sharing this story. It does help me to know that God can provide new dreams and that when that dream reveals itself, it is greater than MY original vision.
Your words touch me deeply — thank you.
while I haven’t been keeping a regular gratitude diary lately. I have been focusing on holding the feeling of gratitude in my body which is amazing. so ten things here we go in no particular order.
Hi there sweet lady! I just wanted to to tell you that whenever the awards season hits, I always think of you now. There is no shame at all in mourning the loss of something that you poured your heart and soul into for so long. I’m sure that “mourning” sounds fairly harsh, but that is what it is. Even though there will probably come a day when you can devote yourself to your passion again. I can relate to this post so much. My passion was singing. I was given a free ride to 2 different colleges based on music. I dropped out and gave up the dream to marry and raise a family 25 years ago. I’m happy and content to be where I am now, and other passions have finally taken over but I can certainly understand your discontent in all of your content. <3
Thank you so much, Dawnee, Your words are both comfort and inspiration!
Much love!!!
Traci
Awwww. I wish you didn’t have to mourn or feel like your missing out because life has taken you into another direction. ****HUGS******
Thank you, Meleah. Like so many of my dear bloggy friends, you give me inspiration to never give up. Thank you for being my friend! XOXOX
Traci
I don’t think I’ve ever sat through the Golden Globes and I only watch the Oscars for the hubby (he’s a movie buff) but those two ladies, made me watch and I loved it. I’m sad that it made you sad and made you feel the way it did. Immediately I thought that maybe your creativity can come out in other ways (you already have the blog) maybe you should start a youtube channel with your children, write a funny script. Start an improv. group with your kids, find other ways to perform. I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries and I know when we’re feeling bad the last thing we want is someone saying “Hey there..Let’s turn the frown upside down.” You may not live in Hollywood but you’re still a star. Find creative ways to show the world.
Traci, thank you for your suggestions. I am trying to find an outlet for this side of me. These are really good thoughts and I really appreciate them. I am blessed to have bloggy friends come out and support me!
Traci