I'm Looking at You, 2019!

In past years, I have seen friends choosing a Word for the year, something of a touchstone to both ground and inspire. I think I even did one. Clearly, it wasn't very effective as I don't remember whether I had a word much less what the word was.

This year, however, I knew I needed a little something to get me going. 2018 was tough. It was tough on multiple fronts. As it is the new year, I want to look forward, not back, but let's just say that there are more than a few footprints on this star's hiney and I'm looking to get back to kicking A instead of being kicked.

So I thought and thought. What do I want for this year?

There were dozens of words that spoke to me. Anyone who knows me, knows I am rarely at a lack for words. But clarity can fail me which is why both focus and clarity were among the finalists. So were energy and determination. Even health made the list - certainly a reflection of 2018's failings. But after doing a little work, it came to me...

COURAGE

Which reminds me, I think my word way back when was bravery - oops! I guess that means I need courage all the more this year. But seriously, I need to create some real impact in the lives of my family and in the world I live in and to do that I must have courage.

There are multiple definitions. Courage can be defined as strength in the face of pain & grief. This is what I need. My pain has been holding me back. My neuropathy has gotten the better of me lately, stealing my spirit and attacking my resolve. Add the multi-day migraines and I have not felt strong in the face of anything.

It can also be defined as a "mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty." (merriam-webster.com) Moral strength to persevere, now "them are some words" as my Big Momma might have said. They hold me accountable for more than a desire to rise above my own circumstances, I need to do more, do better for others.

Withstand danger...

Those two words -- withstand danger -- are words that are applied to heroes. Am I brave enough to become a hero? Do I have the courage? I don't even know in what way I would be heroic but simply considering the word allows for the possibility of failure which remains my greatest fear. Am I too old? Have I missed the days of being a heroine? Lord knows I am no Brie Larson, so is there a role for me as a hero outside the Marvel Universe? (Or DC, for that matter?)

I don't know. But I am willing to find out. Despite a decade of illness. Despite failed businesses and broken dreams, I believe there is something to be done and I am pretty sure it will take some courage to do it.

So here we go... yep 2019, I'm looking at you and I am unafraid.

P.S. My name comes from the Irish word for fighter or warrior so I may be better prepared than you might think.